Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Hand to Cheek

My mother used to hold her hand to my cheek to comfort me. I never had a blanket I was attached to, at  least not one I remember. All I can remember is a flash of a memory of me lying in my bed scared with my "super mario brothers" sheets and blue painted walls, and being comforted by her back right hand held tightly against my right cheek. Nothing in this world will ever comfort me the way that action did.

Just once more please!
Please great powers, great god, great universe, buried subconscious, please!
Come to me in dream, in meditation, in hallucination
Hold her hand against my cheek.
Let me know this once more,
Let me breath once again,
Let me carry the delicate notion far into my life
Refresh my memory
I just want to know it was real.
I want to know that I am still that little boy,
That scared boy whose fears are brought to submission
By the subtle touch of an angel.
I do not have any videos of her,
So I do not hear her voice;
And I do not see her move.
I just want to hold her hand
Against my olive skinned cheek;
I do not need to see her eyes, it is her touch where I see that I am alive.
My mother is gone, 17 years now.
And I am not sure of who she was,
So maybe with one simple touch
Her presence would be restored,
And I could move forward with one strong memory;
Of how it feels to be safe from harm.

Monday, February 25, 2013

I Am Scared I Know What Will Happen.

This seems powerful. There is certainly something lurking at or in me. I am falling to depression while loosing faith in humanity for good. I feel trapped in my own sulking, and am constantly looking at the actions of others as dissapointing. The selfishness, the unaware, the unhealthy, the fake, the material, the pretensions of the so called cool, and the hypocritical state of them all.... including me. My movements have always been slow in the early morning, and now they seem to be paralyzing as I go to bed with intention of rising early, but failing and falling to the stressful dreams that nuke me with anxieties of the past still swimming in my subconsciousness. I am tired. I am scared. This world seems to be losing, and I am often disappointed that I have empathy and sensitivity to things around me. At this point it seems to be doing nothing be wearing me down and making me weak. My best friend think I need to turn it into art, but I am exhausted with my own doubt, and people constantly let me down, but mostly myself. The financial burdens are layered on me and make me feel worthless and small. I need a miracle, or at least another job. I miss my family. I am worried about my brother closest in age. He is suffering beyond what I can imagine, and as a result this makes me feel selfish and weak. As though I should be able to be strong enough to figure it out, and thrive..... yet I sit with a state of loneliness and missing attention and love. Wanting to believe that I know I have plenty of it, but at the end of the day I now ignore myheart and block out any attempt of feeling frightened by watching television to avoid the face to face interactions with my doubts and fears. I am my biggest critic, I am my biggest tormenter, my most difficult obstacle, and a sad sad boy who feels hopeless sometimes. I am scared. I do not know where to go. It seems tragedy is certain, and I will end up the dissapointment that I brought upon myself. How horrible, how sad. I pray to the universe to please show me some guidance   , some strength, something to help me find joy within myself an quit comparing myself to others. Please keep me in mind, this is a tough spot to be in.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

When Music is You.

I have been listening to James Blake for almost 2 years now and have always found a connection to his sound that helped bring emotions I did not know existed to the surface. Very similar to that, but on a very deeper level his new song "Retrograde" seems to have poetically spoken on my behalf on where I feel my life is at right now. 
It seems this is a song being sung by someones inner self to there outer existence. It seems as if a wiser James Blake or rather his character is singing to himself asking him to finally be strong, and move forward. I can relate to the lyric "Be the girl you love, be the girl you love". All I can think about is my mother, and how in my time of reflections and unraveling my deep trauma from my past, I sometimes think of the wonderful loving person my mother was, and how that person was my introduction to love, and as a result she still exist within me. "Show me why you are strong" as if self is telling self to prove it, prove all of it. Show yourself why you are strong, and do it, finally! As I approach my first full week of not going out or having a drink since I moved to SF, I can not help but dissolve into this song. Thank you James Blake. How beautiful it is. 

James Blake – Retrograde Lyrics
Verse 1:
You’re on your own, in a world you’ve grown
Few more years to go,
Don’t let the hurdle fall
So be the girl you loved,
Be the girl you loved
I’ll wait, so show me why you’re strong
Ignore everybody else,
We’re alone now
I’ll wait, so show me why you’re strong
Ignore everybody else,
We’re alone now
Verse 2:
Suddenly I’m hit
Is this darkness of the dawn
And your friends are gone
When you friends won’t come
So show me where you fit
So show me where you fit
I’ll wait, so show me why you’re strong
Ignore everybody else,
We’re alone now
We’re alone now
We’re alone now
I’ll wait
We’re alone now
We’re alone now
I’ll wait
We’re alone now
We’re alone now
We’re alone now
We’re alone now
Suddenly I’m hit
Is this darkness of the dawn
And your friends are gone
When you friends won’t come
So show me where you fit
So show me where you fit

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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Losing The Honorable Dance

While I run towards the eyes of strangers that know nothing of me,
Doing my dance, taking in their possession and laughing as I dream this fairy tale dance.
And through the anxiety of my needing to be known,
I listen softly to the voices of my own.
And alone they make me, talking non-stop jabber
Filling this venomous heart with fading clatter.

I walk alone at the end of the dance
Hoping a pretty girl will uphold me as a chance
To rectify the vicious glance
of a culture driven on chemical romance

And then I wake with bulging eyes
Lying half dead, and half alive
Lying again for the thought of finding a friend
Who could take away this maddening trend.

Hollow once more, but it invokes these tears
Towards the silence of mediation, I always try and steer.
Spare me no sorrow, for I know I chose this way
I hope to dance once more
To a more purposeful sway.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Doller bill dance

while no matter of trails untouched,
and a breeze that holds a secret I yearned to know
still the currency of this systematic world
owns a space in me
one that occupies me in debt.
I can not and, though I wish to
Compare happiness beyond that state of value
and I do know universally speaking, there is more.
However, the reality of my realism sets its motion forward.
I want to have enough symbols of fortune
To provide a freedom of physical nature
that in turn will ultimately provide more space
for me that is, to ultimately be free.
And so my intention is set, really it is.
I want to be wealthy with gold
Not because I need it to be happy,
Only because the pressure is what it is,
and the system will not budge in my lifetime.
So I know it is a helpful tool, sad but true
To shape my driving love
And knock down the fake walls
That blind me more, then real walls could.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

While I still wonder.

It has been awhile.
It has been my captivation, my inner struggle, my lonliness in this new city. My over doing it attitude, my nervous focused two tracked mind.
It is still the sweet music playing, the effortless happenings making it feel right.
There are also the sadness of the lost love
A minor insult to the character I try to be.
Foggy mornings I do not wake well, ever
Hard hitting dreams, and nights of anxiety that I cover with the memory of heavenly dance.
It is the chance I take, my hurt head, and exhausted efforts to make friends.
This is a new city. I am trying to adjust.
I am trying to balance this seemingly draining effort to connect with my past.
Where will it end.
Where does it begin. Wolf heads, and long morning nights.
A dreamers dance.
Time for another round.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

SF possibilities

watch the better man get away with the dames.....
all instant and material... I think, I wish I knew
Dont want to hear the small talk....
enough with it
Forget them, him, her, and her.... The most beautiful dam is there,
now, yes
no more for the beep of ovens set.
All encountering an starving reality... no better city to be fresh.
his story, any hero story is full of self love.
I want that
I need that
Forgiveness first, trials ahead. blind the unknowing massive
With developing insecurity and insight in my head