Wave Format

Waves roll in and out
thirsty sand picks up saline
So to be dry,
So to be wet.
All for the appetite
A little distorted and flavored
Moonrise motions are lifted
The vail of the unknowing
Waves take breaks
Still rolling in
Still rolling out.
Crashing for thunder
Ripping away the departed land
A elegance of motion

Lost some written love.

Her memory exist.
And I had written the experience down. Now it is gone, I lost it. I lost her. Though her memory is still there. I will come back to this space. But I am sad. I lost my testimony on love, it took a lot of effort and now it is gone. Wow..... lost words. Lost expression. My heart spilled, and no one got the time to admire the puddle. I am sad. I will save this space for another time. When I attempt to conquer words for love. Still, she was on a train, she came to me. I knew she would. I worried she would not. But she did. My testimony of women, gone. sigh.

On guard.

Start shooting
No prisoners to take.
Aim wild
Live wild. Live free.
Point your lazers at your dreams
Ask them to surrender
Tell them you already have imagination hostage
There is no escape.
Only creations.
If you miss your target

You are not close enough
Now Bless your enemy
Bless them for the sake of rain
That we either get wet
Or feel the drops...
It is easy to know.
We share
No choice, no other way.
One life, I say.
Multiple dreams
Multiple realities
One universe.
One.   

Chasing the Sun Pt. 2

On this long train ride I have found myself in poetic conversation with some nice midwestern folk. They have been a ray of hope for my perception of what the midwest is. For me I see sad farms, large sad farms. Communities based around these farms. I think of Monsanto, I think of the past. I think of how once upon a time the hard work was validated, it was organic product they were making. I think about how the evil of all evils came down and stole there hard work away, making more struggle for them and also tying them into a web of corruption they never intended on being part of. However, you have to eat, you have to survive. Rusting cars, broken land, tires and other mechanical equipment lay to rest like a cementer of broken machines, and broken dreams.
These midwesterners know of Monsanto, they know of poetry, they know of the faded American dream and I stand tall and tell them I do not want to fall victim to a faded dream. I want my own reality to manifest itself as I continue my search for some truth, and all encompassing beauty. They are beautiful, strong, simple, but wise in their own right. Kind folk are beautiful folk. Simple, or deep, cities slickers or country boy. If you know how to listen and ask questions with an open heart you are beautiful in my eyes. For Willie, and KC my train seat neighbors are two American souls that are aware of our fading dreams, and I know they want more, they know they want more, but like so many before them and surely after they feel trapped and know not how to let it all go and create a new way of existing. Sadly their stories give me a validation for not wanting to settle at this point in my life. To keep adventuring until I find something that sticks, or till I fall in love so hard that I can never turn back. This trip has been a constant flow of falling in love and then having to leave it all behind. My friend T suggested that all of the love I have found that I have to let go may be closely tied to my yearning to let go of the existing hold my mothers death and overall abandonment has left on me. So it goes. I will never trade falling in love, being overwhelmed with passion and having to leave it all be hind for complacency.....never. Until my heart stops, I will seek for my soul. 

Chasing the sun pt 1.

Wed. October 3rd.

Trailing the Wisconsin rails, I finally see Autumn in full effect. Racing yellows, reds, orange, fading greens and blue sky highlight my eyes as music has never sounded so sweet. I watch softly as I dream, as I read, as I imagine I create. What a world. This is beautiful. The sun is fading and the lighting is so perfect. Black birds swim in the air to make the scenery that much more perfect. I am ok with this, I am perfectly fine. Something very right at the moment. Could it be my exist from the overwhelming east coast experience, the rough and buff cities. An exit, a chance to start a new? Only a two weeks left and I am off. I am off to see another land, distant from the east. Same language of course, but I predict a different energy, a new vibe.
God I can not get over these colors, like a matador coming straight for my heart. It has be falling flat on the floor and wishing I could share it with someone. Fuck that, I know this is my moment to be with god. To know beauty, to get high and to be still and excited with travel. Surely someone knows what I mean, and if not it is all the more reason to spill my overflowing guts with as many folks as I can. This passion is so special, I just know it. I wonder how I would exist without it? If everything else stayed the same but my passion died....... numb, I would be numb. Sometime I am numb with passion. I am working on disecting this issue so I can come unravelled and fall in love with myself over and over and over again without needing someone to share it with.
The silhouette of an abandoned amusement park. Like a time of dreams and silly life rides fading into darkness as memories of a place are now an illusion to those who have moved on. A ghost of a the past, a place you can no longer visit. And now another brief memory for me to stick into words that I may or may not ever read again. Still, it is for you, it has always been for you. Without you for me to share, I am as lost as a golden turtle in a rainless desert.....
Oh my, these dark strawberry colored trees are melting me. Simply outstanding. This is the closest to nature I have been in some time, and I can tell I need it. Hopefully I will get to spend some time outside of Portland frolicking with the fairies and dry leaves. Hopefully I will not get caught up in writing on my typewriter and falling in love with strangers, and instead go fall in love with nature. Again and again.

The train is chasing the sun. Speeding west, trying to hold onto daylight for as long as we can. This extended sunset gives lights to small communities and rather large farms. I wonder if they have grown accustomed to such beautiful evenings where falling suns give way to harvest rainbows. I hope not. I will choose to think that they continue to live this way for these impeccable evenings, rather then doing it because it is all they know. I do not ever want to find myself doing something because it is all that I know to do. However, I suppose my decade in the restaurant industry would suggest that is what I know.... career wise anyways. Something more is heading to my door. Bigger, I dream bigger. I know it to be true, it has to be. It feel right. I worry sometimes that if I think about it so much that I will dissolve the possibility of it happening. As if my manifestation curses me. Weird, I know. Still I just believe that rarely do dreams come true exactly how you see them coming true in your head. No reason to be discouraged, but more reason to just work hard and fantasize less.
It is starting to get dark now, I think I will drink some water and make an almond butter jelly sandwich. I attribute my favorite traveling meal to a certain untouchable women whom came into my life, and stayed in my life, and my heart. Ms. Joy, if you are reading this, I hope you know my dreams have gotten bigger ever sense you took the time to love me and believe in me. Thank you, now time for ABJ ;)

When all else fails, keep going, and wait.

When all else fails.
Just wait.
Be patient.
Wait...... you will see.
You will overcome.
I overcame it today.
I was bruised.
I was torn.
I wanted to give up.
I hated myself.
I hated my situation.
I hated the thought that I will be coming back to Colorado with nothing.
I was uncomfortable.
I was annoyed at other people.
I did not like life.

I kept going.
I got off the train.
I strolled my office a mile down a busy Chicago street
I stopped and ate a sandwich
I drank water.
I felt a little better.
I found a spot
I set up shop
I wrote a poem for a lesbian
I felt better
I breathed.
I got smiles.
I felt a little better
Time went by
I wrote love poems
I felt a little better
I wrote more poems
I met more people
I watched pretty girls
I smiled pretty girls go by.
I felt better
I met visionaries
I was given art work
I felt better
I smoked
I felt better.... but guilty.
I saw the sun shine
I felt better
I felt better
I felt good
I was okay
I was happy
I made some money
I felt better
I talked about death
I felt better
I surprised myself
I felt better

I do not like doubting myself.
I do not know if it is the act of doubting myself that I dislike, or the fact that I know I am doubting myself.

Sigh.
I always end up feeling better.
I am only down for a small period of time
Knowing this
I feel better.

Eyes West. Eyes closing.

It never gets old when you constantly are on the move.
Sure stability has its place, but I am embarking on a serious quest.
I can not take any prisoners when I am on the move.
Still have never given my heart so much in such a small period of time.
This is exhausting. This is spreading me thin. And this is making me strong.
How dare I compare myself to anyone ever again.
Was it once a ego based survival technique?
Looking down on someone
Looking up to someone
For the things they do not get
For the things I do not have
It serves no good purpose. I have to remember, I need to never forget..... Everyone has a story. Even if it lays softly compared to earth shattering lives, it is still a story.
Too think anyone walks through this life without at one point or another having a heavy heart is beyond me. How sad of a life that must be, to never carry weight, to never know what it means to survive, to hold on, and then to finally let go. Those poor souls.....

You have to be strong to be sensitive.
I am strong.
I am soft
I love, I do... I am in love, I am scared
I still disapprove with some of my choices, they are however my choices and my mistakes to make.

I am tired, this trip takes a lot out of me. I miss nature, I can feel meditation coming into my life again. I know how to ground myself a little better.... and I am tired.


Leaving New York today. Heading to Chicago to see my badass friend T, take a night to rest in a bed, to write, and to gather myself for a 46 hour train ride to Portland. This second stent here in New York has rocked my world. I have so much to reflect on, but I must first rest and gather myself before I can put it out there. Simple notes were that I walked a ton, I wrote over 400 original poems in 6 days giving most of them away. I made connections with Huffington Post. I partied a few nights with old friends. I ate mushrooms and watched the moon rise and change colors from a rooftop in Brooklyn. I talked about my mother. I made a believer out of a lost dreamer, I cried to myself about how intense abandonment is. I must rest now. I will be back for more later.