My brother Dylan had to explain to his 9 and 6 year old sons as lightly as possible what was about to go down.
We looked for a sign, no sign was given except that we were loosing the sun.
A lady stopped and told us a better place to spread our ashes...... weird! Rude?
Kristen, my new sister joined us..... that meant a lot to me..... probably all of us.
We were going to light lanterns and send let them set sail, but the wind was blowing inland. Oh well.
Then it became very real as my sister pulled out what looked to be like 3 huge bags of some illegal substance..... she said she had some explaining to do to TSA, as the bags did not contain illegal drugs, they merely contained the remaining of our loved ones who we had lost. Mom, Emma (grandma), and Papa (Grandpa).
The sun was fading over a volcano.....
A summary of spreading burnt love:
I saw my first ever sunset over the ocean as my family and I spread the remaining ashes of my mother, my grandmother, and my grandfather. I held ash of what used to be the shell that held the souls of those who where most close in creating this man who writes these words, who holds this passion, and who wed those tears that fell into the North Pacific as my ashes flew into infinity filling the ocean, just as my tears did. The island in the distant sheltered the embrace of a sun that was setting on years and years of sorrow and sadness from the tragic deaths of the adults I loved most. The wind whispered as my family embraced. We were doing exactly what my mother always wanted us to do with her remains. I thought hard about my relationships with each, I felt most moved by my grandmother whose ashes we spread first. I have yet to let myself start to heal from her tragic death that I witnessed when I was 18. We had a very hard, love hate relationship. It is too complicated to get into at this moment, but as I let her burnt remains seep through my fingers I felt her, I saw her, I loved her again. It was sad. My grandfathers remains were blessed like the man he was, the jokester, the man addicted to sweets, the chef, the footballer, the goofball.... all of it, gone with the wind.
Then my mother, my sweet mom. This was her time. I walked 20 feet out into the water soaking my pants up to my thighs, my other brothers and sister took their own space...... I did now want to let her go, I cried as she caught the undertow. I held on to a peace of her bone thinking I should keep it as my secret. I stared at it as if it was a piece of gold that I could hold onto forever, but I told myself this was the time, or rather "now is the time, ryan" and with a single deep breath and one more glance at the sun saying goodbye, I said aloha mi mere. Goodbye my mother, swim well..... and that will be the last time I ever hold her body again. How sad, how beautiful.
My family and I joined together for one more embrace as we took the rest of the bag of ashes and let them go.... we let her go. Everyone was teary eyed, but my dear sister and I were shivering in our voices and hearts. We are the sensitive ones, we are the feminine ones, the softest of the 4. I dug my head into her shoulder because she knew I knew, I knew she knew...... how beautiful, how sad.
