An Ageless Rant

I sit still now needing this break. Concerns are upon me in this time. I am sure to be alright, I am sure to overcome this drowning debt. All for creation and imagination, a childhood lost. A memory to recreate, or a memory of what it was that I am now missing. Somewhere along the line they suggest I should settle. But for what, and on what? I know nothing. I care to live for the freedom of travel, of adventure, for words, for romantics, for lust, and passion, and the other things that boil blood to lava. I can not make excuses, I have done so for too long. My life is passing by while I look for more.
I want to make it big. I want money, I want attention.
I want to share, to open my heart so my story can reveal itself.
So I can heal, and so then many others may heal with my reflection.
It saddens me, it intimidates me. My story should not set me apart from the rest.
Though it is so heavy, it is what it is. A shocking ripple, a large boulder in a seemingly still pond. It ripples and causes wakes that crash on dry lands.
I want to share this, I am not sure how else I will heal.
I do not want it to be the whole story, I need to get it all out so it becomes part of the story.

My dad is in prison.
I was once told he is still part of me despite not ever knowing him
I do not know about this.
What traits do I hold of his?
What was he like when my mother loved him?
Am I that guy, somehow, someway.... in blood, in character?
Or am I the killer,
The insane
The insecure
The asshole
The loser
The dying dreamer.
Am I this.

Am I the character of another being from a deeper land that has no way of being described? Something ancient, something more then we as humans know. I am my mothers love, and her love was great. Love is universal. I miss my mother. I do not know to not miss her. I do not know if I should stop missing her.
Am I lying, am I still trying to hold on to..... something involving her?
This is scary, this is intense and sad.
I want everyone to know about these struggles.
It is important
It feels right.
God help me.
I need to keep pushing strong.
When will it end.
How will it end.
Full of love and confusion
This story seems overwhelming.

what will I say when I write my father in prison. What do you say to a man who helped create you, but had nothing to do with creating you? What a dizzy situation.

Where do I go now?
One word to share at a time
Who loves me?
Do I love me?
Could I be better..... of course I could. I should. I am trying, I need to try harder.
Someone tell me it is okay.
It is okay young man.
You will shine like the star you are.
Believe, work hard.

I need more strength.
I need your love.
I need my love
I need to not need so much.

An ageless rant, for a man out of time. A man of will and destruction. Will it be too late. Can expression save my soul. Please allow me to express myself.

Please allow me to share.