When all else fails.
Just wait.
Be patient.
Wait...... you will see.
You will overcome.
I overcame it today.
I was bruised.
I was torn.
I wanted to give up.
I hated myself.
I hated my situation.
I hated the thought that I will be coming back to Colorado with nothing.
I was uncomfortable.
I was annoyed at other people.
I did not like life.
I kept going.
I got off the train.
I strolled my office a mile down a busy Chicago street
I stopped and ate a sandwich
I drank water.
I felt a little better.
I found a spot
I set up shop
I wrote a poem for a lesbian
I felt better
I breathed.
I got smiles.
I felt a little better
Time went by
I wrote love poems
I felt a little better
I wrote more poems
I met more people
I watched pretty girls
I smiled pretty girls go by.
I felt better
I met visionaries
I was given art work
I felt better
I smoked
I felt better.... but guilty.
I saw the sun shine
I felt better
I felt better
I felt good
I was okay
I was happy
I made some money
I felt better
I talked about death
I felt better
I surprised myself
I felt better
I do not like doubting myself.
I do not know if it is the act of doubting myself that I dislike, or the fact that I know I am doubting myself.
Sigh.
I always end up feeling better.
I am only down for a small period of time
Knowing this
I feel better.
Ryan,
ReplyDeleteI got a kick out of that line, ' I smoked . . .
I felt better.... but guilty
Guess who was the one on the train who was announced to be the "one person" smoking on the train? After we pulled out of Stanley, ND, I knew the threat of being put off was just posh talk. I enjoyed the lecture, and its futility, from the conductor about "breaking the rules"
Have you broken any rules today, pal? I sure hope so. . . . . good for the soul to affirm we are NOT subject to being put in a box of another's making. I see your quest may have a similar goal in mind. Life is an haikai adventure - we share a common thread and, man, is it amusing! As well as inherently beautiful.
An anecdote for you -
At the border of Minnesota and North Dakota, on our return east, we stopped to fuel up our vehicles. After filling up, my money card was declined at the register. I offered my contact information and promised to make amends in the morning upon receipt of a payroll deposit. (Conquering the Bakken can leave you out on a limb like that, depleted and on the edge - not for the meek or faint of heart) The poor night clerk appeared not to comprehend, insisting we leave one vehicle as "collateral".
"Just park it over there, and you can return in the morning when you pay up." He was adamant.
"Yeah, right, drive back from St. Paul (250 miles to the east. Just have your manager call me and we'll straighten this out."
He would have none of it, most likely fearing he would be liable for the $145 shortage. This made no sense. He had my credit card number, personal info verified by ID, the license numbers of the vehicles, phone contacts, etc. I, too, was insistent - we had to get home.
I proffered, "Hang on and I'll tell my partner."
I walked out to talk to K.C. "Dude, when I take off, you'd better not dally." Watched by the nervous clerk, I did a small pantomime as I spoke, pointing to the parking area. "This guy won't listen. It's two miles to the border. we're hittin'it, now!"
K.C. just smiled and nodded. I went to the old Wagoneer, jumped in and turned over the ignition. It came to life with an impressive, unmuffled roar. Dropping it into gear, we departed in a haze of oily smoke and blowing dust. So long, North Dakota!
I'm glad you feel better but smoking is so smelly and gross
ReplyDeleteand it makes you sick and ugly.. you're too good for that.
Try candy. Do you like chocolate?
Looking forward to your next post. I hope you are writing on the train.
Randi